The 10 Things I leared from Saved by the Bell



Twenty years ago this past September, Zack Morris and Kelly Kapowski rode off the sunset bringing an appropriate end to the much beloved series Saved by the Bell.  In honor of this cherished piece of our youth, I have created a list of the 10 Things I learned from the show.  So, please join me as I wax nostalgic while we revisit our friends at Bayside one last time.

Let's begin...

1. Nothing fun happens in Indiana

Little known fact:  Saved by the Bell was originally called Good Morning, Miss Bliss and aired on Disney.

Another Little known fact:  Good Morning, Miss Bliss was set in Indianapolis, Indiana.

You may remember Miss Bliss, the soft spoken, sort of hot (in A Little House on the Prairie kind of way) teacher that Zack, Lisa, Screech, Mikey and Nikki would all turn to for guidance. 

Wait?  You remember Miss Bliss, Zach, Lisa and Screech, but the other two draw a blank?

You’re not alone, but don’t worry about them.  They were left in Indiana, to I assume, starve to death.  Or, maybe Mr. Belding pulled the same trick your Dad did on that stray cat.   You know, the one where he told you he was taking it for a ride but really just left it on the side of the road. 

Go on boy!  Go on girl!  You're free now



After GMMB (as I like to call it) failed to pull in audience, Disney abandoned ship.  The rights to the show were picked up by NBC and the setting was changed to California with the plot refocused to center on Zack Morris and his many misadventures.  Mario Lopez and Tiffany Amber Thiesson joined the cast, as did Elizabeth Berkley.  And from there, the rest is history. 

And for those of you wondering what happened to Miss Bliss.  Do you remember what happened to the aunt in National Lampoons Vacation?  Well it was kind of like that.

2.      A roach isn’t just an insect

Saved by the Bell didn't shy away from tackling tough real life issues such as allowing females on the wrestling team, secret alien invasions or the loss of one’s beloved chameleon.  But my personal favorite “message episode” dealt with the unpleasant reality of roaches in the restrooms.

In this classic episode, Hollywood star Johnny Dakota chooses Bayside High to film his anti-drug commercial.  The kids at Bayside are ecstatic, especially Zack Morris.  Johnny is everything Zack inspires to be:  Famous, hip and all things cool.  But a joint is found in the bathroom at school and in a twist worthy of a good M. Night Shyamalan movie, Johnny is revealed to be a pot smoker himself. 

 The drug use isn't the worst thing in this picture. That honor goes to Johnny Dakota's choice of coat.

In twenty-two minutes, the kids at Bayside managed to teach me more about drugs and, the dangers there of, than I learned in two years of D.A.R.E. 

To this day, many like myself are drug free because we learned from the kids at Bayside that...

(Unless you live in Washington or Colorado)

3. Summer love truly only last for the summer (or just a few episodes)

I ask you, in the early 90’s was there anyone cooler than Zack Morris?   You must admit that guy had it going on.  Blonde, wealthy, deceptively smart, charismatic, handsome…

Zack was a true California dream boat (and did I mention he could freeze time) and needless to say, he had his pick of the litter when it came to the women of Bayside (he even hooked up with his best friend’s baby sister.  (That’s bold, brother!)  

(calm down ladies)

Zack was, among many things, a hopeless romantic and whether it was a last dance to the melody of the waves crashing against the shore or dinner by candle light at the Max, he would pull out all the stops in order to win the heart of the one he loved.  The problem came in the morning (or the end of summer vacation) when the love struck young woman was left with a broken heart and an empty promise that he would return for her one day. 

He may not have been the most faithful to his word, but don’t be too hard on him, he couldn’t help it, there was only room in his heart for one woman (more on that later). 

Still, I sometimes find myself wondering if Stacey Carosi is out there somewhere sipping on another glass of wine, pining away in secret as she waits for true love to find her again.   

"Don't worry babe, there is always Kevin James."

Or if you can see Andrea’s foot prints in the sand as she walks the beaches of Hawaii hoping to spot her long lost love returning on the horizon.

So, to the many broken hearts Zack left in his wake, I raise my glass to you and what you taught me about summer love. 

And I leave you with these words of consolation. 

Hate the game, not the player. 



4.    Opposites attract (for a while)

For your consideration, I give you Albert Clifford Slater and Jessie Spano.  Albert, better known as A.C. Slater, or just Slater, was a buff, arrogant, military brat, hyper jock and sometimes lunk head.  An on again off again rival to Zack Morris and one-time competitor for Kelly Kapowski’s affections, Slater eventually fell for the outspoken liberal feminist teacher’s pet Jessie Spano.  

It was a match made in TV heaven (you know the place where Ned Stark went when he died in Game of Thrones).  Jessie was the yin to Slater’s yang, the night to his day, the tall to his not as tall.  Sadly, this odd-couple was doomed to fail.  Despite calling each other by such cute pet names as “Mama "and "Pig”, Jessie and Slater were unable to overcome their differences. 

Their relationship may not have had the legs of Kelly and Zack’s, but we can all agree that it was fun while it lasted. 

P.S.

I like to pretend that there is a deleted scene from the Vegas Wedding episodes out there where Jessie and Slater rekindle their love for each other.

P.S. for my P.S.

Just because the last episodes of (the real) Saved by the Bell take place in Vegas doesn’t make Showgirls an unofficial sequel to the series.

(Career Killer)





  5.    Hot Sundae Rocks!

Before Brittany, Beyonce or Miley there was... Hot Sundae!

What do you get when you combine 90’s beats, poofy hair and leotards? 

Answer:  One bodacious band and a hit video. 

Three of Bayside’s brightest stars, Kelly Kapowski, Lisa Turtle and Jessie Spano pulled their artistic talent and uninspired chorography together to create the one hit wonder known as Hot Sundae.  The trio shot to the top of the charts with the song "Go for it."    But, like recent teenage stars (cough, Justin Bieber), sometimes the pressures of being a pop-star and a straight A-Student are just too much.  To help her cope, Lead Vocalist Jessie Spano turned to caffeine pills to maintain her edge.  After poppin those babies like they were Pez candies, Jessie eventually had a meltdown and it took none other than Zack Morris himself to straighten her out.  With Zack’s help, Jessie realized her true priorities and gave up her one episode dream of Pop Stardom to focus on school and achieving her goal of being named her class’s Valedictorian. 

 

Hot Sundae was finished…But at least Jessie achieved her goal of being name Valedictorian.

Oh wait!  She finished 2^nd to Screech.

Maybe she should have kept those pep pills… (I kid, I kid)

P.S.   

VH1 if you are reading this, I’m stilling waiting for the Hot Sundae “Behind the Music” special. (Fingers crossed)

6.  Lark Voorhies used to be
     black.

Why?

I don't have much to say about this one.  It's like she passed Sammy Sosa on her way into her plastic surgeon's office and said "I'll have what he had." 




"I'm pretty fly for a kind of white guy."

7.  Giant Cell-Phones don’t cause brain cancer (and the Teachers at Bayside must be blind)

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Zack Morris cellphone. 

and you thought your flip-phone was clunky

Perhaps the most useful tool in the sly Zack Morris’s repertoire was this prehistoric cellphone.  On many occasions Zack would whip this baby out (from where?  One could never know) and make a call to Screech to fulfill some zany scheme to get himself out of a test or to escape the wrath of Mr. Belding. 

The best part:  Not one time did the teachers spot Zack using it to make a phone call.

Ah oh!  Forgive me, I’m pulling a Christopher Nolan.  Here comes a list within a list. 

Top 10 Jokes about the Zack Morris Cell-Phone

1. Is that a Zack Morris Cell-Phone in your pants or are you just happy to see me?

2. It was Colonel Mustard in the library with a Zack Morris Cell-Phone.

3. My Zack Morris Cell-Phone ate your Droid Razor.

4.  Zack Morris put his phone on vibrate…once.

 

5. Chuck Norris tried to use a Zack Morris Cell-Phone but it was too heavy. 

6. Little known fact:  Suri’s ex-boyfriend is a Zack Morris Cell-Phone.

7. I once cracked open my Zack Morris Cell-Phone and found a Korean inside.

8. I’m pretty sure my Zack Morris Cell-Phone is a Transformer.

9.  A priest, a Rabbi and a Zack Morris Cell-Phone walk into a bar…

10. The Zack Morris Cell-Phone was nominated for a daytime Emmy and won!

8.        Capitalism kills friendships

A very brief economics lesson:  Capitalism is an economic system in which trade, industry and the means of production are controlled by private owners with the goal of making profits in a market (thank you Wikipedia). 

I’m not anti-capitalism or anything, but the writers of the show might have been. 

We all remember Mr. Tuttle, the rotund and sometimes high-strung economics teacher/driving instructor. 

(Hey, he looks kind of like me.)

Well, after he assigns a project to teach his students about economics in the real world, our favorite kids at Bayside create a business selling friendship bracelets.  The business turns out to be quite lucrative (not quite Breaking Bad money but lucrative none the less) and Zack, acting as CEO, ramps up production.  An early 90’s Rockefeller, Zack ends up browbeating his employees causing Slater, Jessie and Kelly to break away and form a rival company selling “Buddy Bands.”  Zack continues to treat his employees badly until he is completely abandoned.  In the end, Zack realizes that friendship is more important than money and puts an end to his capitalist ways.

 If only some of those folks on Wall Street watched this episode...

9.       Preppies can forgive

As I mentioned earlier, there was room for only one woman in Zack’s heart, the one and only Kelly Kapowski.  Kelly, the "Pretty in Pink" of Bayside High, was from a blue collar family that often struggled financially.  She was the beautiful cheerleader with a heart of gold and the one Bayside girl Zack wanted more than anyone else (besides the school nurse).  Bayside’s version of star-crossed lovers, Zack and Kelly were destined to be together.  But their relationship wasn’t without it share of turmoil. 

Remember this D-Bag?

His name was Jeffery Hunter (the very mention of him sends a shiver down my spine) and he was the new manager at The Max who stole Kelly away from Zack.  One of the most loathed TV villains of all time, Jeffery would later be caught in the act of cheating by none other than Zack himself. 

And let’s not forget this guy.

 
"There's only one way to get an "A" in my class."

Professor Lasky.  I don’t know if it is his lack of professional integrity or because he was the last champion for Kelly’s heart that Zack had to vanquish, but I really don’t care for this guy. 

No matter, because in the end destiny got it right and Zack and Kelly were finally married in the most romantic place on Earth... Las Vegas.  

10.  Bayside is cool (but also dangerous)

What kid wouldn’t want to go to Bayside High?   

It’s close to the beach, it’s staffed by quirky and negligent teachers, it’s progressive, its got oil money, it’s reasonably distanced from the ultimate hangout The Max, and it’s often visited by B-list celebrities. 

(And that doesn’t include Mr. Belding, who is like the most patient and understanding principal ever) 

Bayside was undoubtedly a hip place for one to earn their diploma.  But just like most high schools, it had a darker side.  Behind its veil of harmless student rivalries and misadventures lived a not-so-well hidden secret: 

Students would simply disappear and never to be heard from again. 

I ask for a moment of silence as we honor those that were lost.

(Cue Sara McGlachlan's "I will Remember You")

There something vaguely familiar about her...

In spite of the disappearances, Bayside is still way cooler than Valley.  

*It's hard to believe that it has been twenty years since Zack and the gang left Bayside (honestly, where does the time go?).  Despite the passage of time, I can't help but smile when the theme song randomly pops in my head causing me to recall the kids at Bayside and all their crazy shenanigans.  I know that I'm not alone in that regard and I think that's why Saved by the Bell was so special.

 Thanks for reading, I hope this list made you smile and laugh (or at least snicker)

Feel free to comment, tweet or share this list with anyone you know who was "Saved by the Bell."